Saturday, May 31, 2008

Boulder, CO

I'm having some trouble coming to terms with the fact that I am so quiet around new people. Nick and I drove to Boulder today and met up with his two friends who we are staying with. I immediately shut down, as usual. It's terribly irritating and I told myself that I needed to open my mouth and just say something. But I didn't. I remained noticeably silent.

It's actually rather worrisome because I don't want people to mistake me for dim witted, snobbish, or think that I don't like them. It's never the case. The real problem is that I am a group observer. It must be some kind of insecurity that I become so shy around new people. It is especially bad when they actually try to include me and I still remain somewhat silent. How can I explain to people that I really am content to just observe? I don't feel left out, I'm just taking everything in I'm trying to understand who you are so I can figure out who I am, when around you.

That night Nick offered to do a Tarot reading for me because I had mentioned an email I got from Lisa asking me what my epiphanies have been. I thought it was rather interesting and worth writing down and sharing. The question I asked was "What's going to happen to me after Dorset?" Nick told me that my past has been associated with The High Priestess, who is a secret keeper. My past has a lot to do with secrets and hiding reality. The present is confusion, represented by the 8 of Swords. The future was the 6 of Pentacles, who has faith in the universe and is one with it. The focus card was the King of Pentacles, who will be a Virgo personality type. He (or she) is caring and likes helping others a lot, but he is also a strong and immovable character. There are 2 minor characters, who play a messenger type role in my life. One is the Knave of Swords, who is a logical messenger. He(or she) is good with words and persuasive. The second is the Knave of Wands, who is fiery and attractive and charismatic. My overall goal is Temperance. I strive for synthesis and balance of both sides.

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