Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Dorset Playhouse - Dorset, VT

The longer I am here the more I realize that it isn't my attachment to the people of the Dorset Theatre Festival that keep me coming back, but the place itself. I care so much about this theatre that it would break my heart if it were to fail. I love the history and I feel honored to be a part of it. I think we do good things here and with time maybe we can win back the audience that was lost over the years.

Some events occurred last night that made me question why I decided to come back here and work these ridiculous hours for so little pay. I put so much of my life and energy into this theatre, to be insulted for it is a major blow. It just made it so much more obvious that I'm not here for anyone but me and this place. I build relationships with the people here and make lasting friendships, but that feels so separate from my actual work.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Dorset Playhouse - Dorset, VT

I've been experiencing this overwhelming feeling of being out of place no matter where I am. At the theatre I only feel right when I'm working non-stop during tech week. I feel weird at the farm because of all the new WWOOFers and the fact that they've moved the whole operation to The Big White House and out of Teleion Holon. I can't even relax in Colony House. The kitchen situation is not good and I'm the only person in the house who cooks for every meal. This is baffling to many people there and they often stare at my food as though I've made some kind of gourmet meal, when all I've done is put squash in quinoa. For some reason it makes me feel incredibly awkward.

I'm starting to realize just how much my living situation revolves around the kitchen. After being at the farm cooking has become even more important to me. I decided to do more cooking this summer and buy no pre-made frozen meals. They are pricey and not even very good. Not to mention how much healthier whole foods are. My meals have been revolving around what I can get at the farmers market, plus whatever grain sounds good to me at the moment. I feel really great about my food, but I've become less excited about cooking it in the Colony House kitchen. The fact that I'm the only vegetarian doesn't really help. Yeah, I'm sure that meat you made is -really- tasty, but amazingly I'm not even a little bit interested. I realize my aversion to meat is self-alienating, but I'm not about to fake interest in something I find repulsive.

I just feel like I can't be very independent right now and I have little control over my living situation. I can't wait to have my own meat-free, clean kitchen. I think a lot about when The Logger and I came back from New York and walked in the kitchen at Teleion and The Logger took a deep breath and commented on the good smell of a meat-free kitchen. At the time I just thought it was silly and cute, but lately it's become so obvious. I miss my little vegetarian community.

I think I'm just frustrated by the fact that I ditched New York over a year ago to seek out my independence and I've been enjoying my freedom. Now I'm back to Dorset and it's a lot like being back in college, which I never really enjoyed much anyway. Wha Wha, maybe someone should just call me a big whaaaaambulance.