Sunday, May 11, 2008

Santa Fe, NM

I think about the life I left behind in NY and I compare it to the life I am living now and wonder which one was the bigger lie. Or maybe neither were a lie and this is just the way I am now, and that was just the way I was then. But my methods of coping with things are not working, I think. I think about my old life when I make the choices that I do and I find myself lonely and sad. I guess I am still mourning my old life, but trying to get on with the new. I wonder if the decisions I make are good ones. I wonder if I really am lying to myself, or if I'm trying to replace something.

I said something stupid to someone. I said that I wished things had been different. I said that I wished there was opportunity. But I don't think it was true. It wouldn't have made a difference. The things I said, the reasons I said them, it was only because I could. It was only because I knew that nothing bad would come of my saying it. But I should not have said those things. I got wrapped up in my head, it wasn't realistic. If I'm going to live this life, I need to remember who I am and stick to it. I need to honor it completely and ignore the "could-have-beens," they don't matter. They don't exist. I won't make the same mistake twice. Moving on is what I need.

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