Thursday, May 29, 2008

Santa Fe, NM

I've been having a pretty nice time being alone lately. I've found that I really enjoy having the mornings to myself to be quiet and think while exploring, and then spend the evenings with friends. I guess I'm more social at night.

I remember when I first moved back to NY and I didn't know anyone, I would be ok during the day, reading or working, or whatever. At night I would get hopelessly depressed and wander around the city for hours in the dark. I see now why that was such a terrible time of ups and downs for me. Even today, though I am not in that state of depression, I find myself restless at night and even lonely sometimes.

Loneliness is an emotion I've always battled with. I feel as though my need- which is far more than just a desire, but a true need- is something I should overcome. Ideally I'd like to enjoy the company of others as I do now, but not feel so restless when I am alone in the evenings. It's not as though I even need to have someone to talk to, though I do prefer that, I can be content sitting in a room where others are interacting.

Last night I went over to Tom's place and watched him play video games and barbecue. We watched a movie and then played Wii bowling. Nothing amazing happened, but I was immediately content when I walked in the door, though I had been restless all evening beforehand.

Eventually I left with Ryan and we went driving around outside of Santa Fe on the pitch black roads telling stories of supernatural encounters. I brought up La Llarona, but we decided it was best not to talk about that out there. Eventually, after what seemed like forever on this one road, the pavement ended. I immediately noticed that the paved turnoff was called La Llarona. Ryan didn't notice and started to turn on to it, but I pointed it out and told him to stay off the road. He agreed that it was a bad idea to name a street that and an even worse idea to drive on it in the pitch black night in the middle of nowhere.

I spent today wandering about alone, taking care of a few errands and making one last stop at Doodlet's. I wonder when I'll be back here again. I don't know what's going to happen after summer. It's frustrating to me that I love so many places, but have found no where I love enough to stay. I'd like to take all the people and places I love the most and put them all together so I can finally be somewhere where I am not conflicted about who I am and what kind of culture is my own. There are people all over the country I miss terribly all the time. There are sunsets, skylines, stars, hills, foods, traditions from everywhere I've ever been that I think about all the time. It's almost as though, the more I travel, the more trouble I have picturing myself in one place. I don't want to live the life of a nomad. I want to find a place to settle. I know I need to make my home somewhere, and hopefully I'll be able to make it in such a way that I won't spend my nights thinking of the people that I'm not around.

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