Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Denise and Ray's - Santa Fe, NM

Mostly, I just want to say, I'm happier with the person I am now than I have been in a long time. It seems that I lose track of myself from time to time and I'm trying to find it again. I could blame all kinds of things, but in the end I am the only one at fault.

Maybe I could have stayed in NY and gotten my feet back on the ground, but I would not have been able to improve my life. I needed to get away from everything in order to start fresh. I am still transitioning even now, because I've been visiting an old life. That being said, I'm visiting it with a new perspective.

During my last few weeks in NY, I would come home to an orderly apartment. It felt as though no one lived in it. It felt like a lie. Things around me were coming unraveled and I was surrounded by over-organization. Clean me. Tidy me. Plans, paper clips, thumb tacks, labels, zip-tied and tucked-away mess. So I started leaving clothes on the floor. I stopped making plans, except the one that I would need to get out. I told myself that I would make new friends where I went. I would stop turning down opportunity in favor of what I thought was self-preservation. I need to re-earn the pride I hold so dearly.

So here I am, hitched a ride to Santa Fe with a stranger from the internet. Looking to hitch a ride back out. It's a big deal to a control-freak, too afraid to adventure alone. I want stories to tell. I want to feel as though I've actually lived an interesting life, instead of just surrounding myself with the interesting lives of others. I want to become this person I've always known myself to be, but never trusted enough to listen to. Most importantly, I want to bring back the fun.

1 comment:

  1. "I want to become this person I've always known myself to be, but never trusted enough to listen to." Word sister. I have often felt that way about myself and my life. I feel like I've gotten closer to that person recently, but it's hard to always know what to do. I hope it helps for you to know that I think you are very brave.